This is Who I Am... today

I'm 33. I've never married, and have no children. And I'm dissatisfied with most areas of my life.

I'm in a rut.

It's pretty simple. We've all been there. And if you're reading this, and you've never felt like you were stuck, then you've probably got better things to do than to read my blog.

My life's not so bad. I am a fairly healthy, smart enough person with more than I need to get by. My work doesn't suck. I'm fairly attractive, and judging from the company I keep, pretty personable. But things could be a lot better than they are.




In some ways, my life has been getting better, moving faster than I can keep up with. I finally graduated college a year ago. Yes. That's right. I got my bachelor's degree at the age of 31. Now, I'm five classes away from my masters and I'm finally doing for a living what I've worked for so hard and so long, and it scares the crap out of me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done on purpose. Sometime, I wonder how long it will take for someone to figure that I don't actually know what I'm doing.

I have almost no savings, and more credit card debt than I care to confess. I make more than I've ever made and still don't know how I'm going to pay my bills this month. Or the next. I have too many things, and have some kind of psychological monster that holds me back when I try to get rid of things. I'm disorganized, and my procrastination is costing me time and money.

And then there's my body.

It's not awful. It's just the worst it's ever been.

I am a recovering perfectionist. I struggle to decide if I should accept that, at 33, I'm never going to have the body I had when I was 22, and should be happy with what I've got now or if I should get off my ass and work harder to get as close as I can to that ideal. Neither seems very realistic, so I sit and do nothing but become more miserable about it.

And that's not the worst of it. Spending all of this time fixated on what is wrong with my life and how unhappy I am in it is making me a not-nice person. I'd say "bitch", but I'm really trying to curse less. I'm supposed to be a Quaker, which is a whole other story. It's getting to the point where I catch myself resenting other people for their joys and successes. It's kind of pathetic.

This is not the life I want to live.

This is not the life I want to live and I'm going to do something about it.

That's really why I started this blog. Sure, if you read it, and you relate, that's awesome too. As I said, I'm sure I'm not the first person to be mired in personal dissatisfaction. But I want to get out of this rut, even if it's a hard swim upstream.

I want to be a better person. A happier person.

So I'm committing myself to changing my life. I'm hoping this blog will help make me more personally accountable. I'm in a rut, but it's not the first time I've been here. I know that I am responsible for my own future and for my own happiness. I'm going to do something about it.

I'm going to nerd out like Ben Franklin and keep record- right here- of what I need to improve, and what steps I take to do so. I don't know exactly how yet. I do love charts.


And I'm going to pray for the best.